Anyone who has traveled in America will be familiar with this fixture of the airport, the Smart Carte. When I first traveled here, I was shocked that you had to pay three dollars just to get a carte at the airport, in most other countries they are free. I suppose this is the home of capitalism, as it were.
Like most people, I can find traveling quite stressful. Economy class must be a uniquely stressful experience, a form of torture, particularly if, depending on how you measure me, I'm nearly 6 foot tall. You get crammed into this horrible little space, stuffed with all these horrible magazines with pictures of aircraft, and "exotic destinations", there are always loads of children who look angelic before you take off, and then turn into Damien from the Omen as soon as the plane takes off, and don't get any better 10 hours later. The flight attendants always have these horrible fixed grins on, apart from the ones on United who have given up trying. By the way, I met a guy from United who worked in their HR and he told me that they are not allowed to make their flight attendants retire, so as long as they pass certain physical tests, they are allowed to stay on. There is actually a fight attendant on United who is over 80 years old, imagine relying on her in an emergency! Another great United story, is when I was bored one day at work, and was reading all the "customer feedback" we had on our airline contracts. The one that stuck in my mind was the guy who had said about United - "I want to be allowed to use an airline where the flight attendants don't look like my mother", nice.
On long international flights, and my regular international flight is 10 hours, when I get off, I like looking around at the people who have been on the flight all the time with me and seeing how miserable they all look after 10 hours of flying, when it's 10.30 am and their body is telling them it's 02.30 am and they have not slept! I always feel like shit myself, and the smallest annoyance gets magnified when I feel this way. So that's where Smart Carte comes in. One time when I arrived in San Jose International (which by the way does not seem to do direct international flights, some kind of Californian joke going on here?), and I grudgingly put my credit card into the Smart Carte next to the baggage carrousel.It took my money, but did not release the mechanism that released the carte, tragedy! I was not going to be defeated by this annoying mechanical piece of crap. It's bad enough to charge for a carte, but how much worse it is to charge for a carte, then not deliver the carte? I pulled and pulled and kicked and pulled and hit and pulled and pushed and kicked and pulled and hit this offensive gadget. Nothing. I ended up going down to it's neighbour and paying another $3 and buying a carte from it, I was traveling on business and my company was paying and at least I had an excuse for being profligate with the Smart Carte expenditure. There is probably a video from a security camera of this irate Scottish guy in San Jose International assaulting the Smart Carte machine, I remember being aware of that possibility at the time. But I was pissed off, disoriented, tired and sore. I wanted to take my frustration out on something and this Smart Carte just got in the way.
The next time I did the usual transatlantic journey, I got flew into san Francisco International, a much nicer airport and a genuine international airport, unlike the misleadingly named San Jose International, which really should be called "San Jose International (as long as you get off and on again in Chicago) airport". Ever the sucker, I went to the Smart Carte machine and put in my credit card. The card just disappeared! The Smart Carte machine in San Jose must have communicated with all the machines in San Francisco, saying "if you see that bastard again, nick his credit card!". I was annoyed, but wow, as I impressed by this Smart Carte show of intelligence. I decided that, in my then current jet lagged state of mind, that the smart carte was obviously clever than me, so I tried a more subtle tactic. I got the airport information people to call the Smart Carte's human minders, I thought that these people could probably talk Smart Carte language and persuade that machine in possession of my credit card, that I was not a bad guy after all, that I didn't realise when I hit the Smart Carte machine in San Jose, that Smart Carte machines were a higher form of intelligence than me, and that, please, can I have my credit card back. In fact, when the guy turned up 10 minutes later, he just poked about inside it a bit and got my card back, the Smart Carte machines obviously don't mind being physically examined by one of their human friends.
So, next time I flew into the states, I think that the Smart Carte machines decided that we were even. I went up to the Smart Carte machine in the terminal and got a free one, it did not ask me for money. I thought, that was nice. So today, I find that the truce of San Francisco Airport between me and the Smart Carte world still holds. The above machine took my money and actually gave me the Smart Carte. No need for violence on my part, or credit card theft on their part. So, having navigated the Smart Carte issue, I only have to cope with economy class now for the next 10 hours. Lets hope I don't find any gadgets on board who are as smart as Smart Carte. Wonder if aircraft toilets are clever?
San Francisco Airport - April 14 2007
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